Seed: Planted

So, this morning it hit me.  Like a theoretical bolt of lightning.  I need to write.  I feel embarrassed just thinking that I could be a writer.  Which, of course, is silly.  Can’t any of us be anything we want?  Aren’t the things I feel and express just as valid as another’s?  I love to read, and relate to others’ musings, perhaps someone could benefit from mine.  As I was thinking about this and preparing my hubby’s breakfast (to-go…no time to eat at home!) I came upon this quote on the granola box:

“Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds you plant.” – Robert Louis Stevenson

As I read that, I felt a seed, burrowing its’ tiny self into my brain. Consider the seed planted!

Lately, I’ve been pretty negative in my posts.  I want that to change.  Sure, we all have our rough days, and it’s okay to vent about them.  But overall, I want my vibe to be positive.  To attract more positivity into my life by putting the positivity out “there”.  I really have an incredible life, with the potential for it to be whatever I want it to be.

Cheers, to new beginnings!

I’m Fine. Really.

Geesh.  The only time I get on here to write, all I do is complain.  How very sad.  Someday, looking back, I will think I only suffered.  There are happy times, I swear.  I guess the only times I NEED to write is when I need to vent.

Now is not a happy time.  I am so sad, tired, and emotionally drained.  Why, you ask?  Good fucking question.  Based on appearances, I should be fine.  Happy.  Fulfilled. But, I’m sad.  Lonely.  Overwhelmed. I want to escape.  Run away.  But I can’t.  Because I have to be here for my kids.  My beautiful, loving, fragile kids.  They are not fragile.  The older two have been through so much already.  But I feel as if they are.  I have to hold them, protect them like little glass ornaments.

I don’t know how to give any more.  I feel like my well is empty.  Everyone just takes and takes, and no one cares that they leave nothing left for me. I have nothing left for me.  I as write that, tears well up in my eyes.  If I don’t take care of me, who will?  The answer is no one.  NO ONE. And now the tears are streaming.  Everyone has their own life, their own agenda.  What makes me feel guilt as I write this is that they don’t mean it…They all want me to be okay. Maybe for selfish reasons…UGH. I hate that I even think that.

Defeated.  The world wins.  I am waving my white flag.  I will hold in my pain. Lord knows I can’t do that forever, eventually it erupts and I become a shouting mess.  But for now, I will bury it deep inside.  I will go about my life, taking care of everyone else.  Chasing a toddler, cleaning the house, tending to the dogs, cooking meals.  What else can I do???  No one wants to listen to me bitch.  And GOD FORBID, my voice raises when I get emotional.  I’ll be quiet.  Passive. Pretend that I’m okay, when I’m not.  I will give them what they want (peace) and what they need (a hot dinner).

Someday, this will all be clear to me.  Why I hurt so much when I  should be fine.  Someday, I will feel happy and fulfilled, and I can take a fucking bath if I want to.  Please, self, stop fucking crying.  Please, be okay. You need to be okay.  You have no choice but to be okay.  Step up to the plate, and do what you must.  Carry on, as if you were fine.

Nap time is over already?

“You just ruined everything.”  I actually just said that. To the dog.  Over dramatic?  Yep.  But Jesus Christ.  I just wanted a minute.  Just one fucking minute of peace, to write.  I had finally finished my “chores”.  While the baby napped, I needed to do some laundry, dishes, and vacuum.  And then…I was done!  Hooray!  Me time.  And then the dog had to fucking bark.

So, here I sit.  Reaching over my nursing  baby to reach the keyboard, my boobies buying me a couple of extra minutes of quiet.  It won’t last.  Little man is already eyeing the computer, looking for an opportunity to grab it.  My cute, curious little angel.

I truly love my time with him.  Chasing him around, keeping him safe from the dangers he is blissfully unaware of (“Careful honey. Hanging off of the stairway railing is not a good idea”).  The cuddles, the kisses.  Watching him tentatively take his first steps.  Amazing. Priceless.

But I just wanted one fucking minute.

Oh well.  There’s always a next nap.

Lost…

I don’t know how I got here.  Honestly, I don’t even know where “here” is.  I have no clue who I am.  I live in this identity that I don’t fully identify with.

I feel stuck.  All I have done in my life is be a mom. I started at 20, and now, 14 years later, I am starting all over again.  I thought I was breaking free of my mold, becoming me…Turns out that the only “me” I know is “mom”.  Am I here again because it is comfortable, it is what I know?  Or is it because I truly want this path? I am unsure of the answer to that.  I feel disappointed in myself.  I have never given myself the opportunity to grow and discover my potential.  Unless by raising amazing kids, I am reaching my potential…?  If this sounds confusing, it is.

Dammit.  Just dammit.

(On My Way to Being) Blissfully, Truly Me!

It’s very important to me that I take the time to sit and write.  I am making a very concerted effort.  Just now, I was sitting (very comfortably I might add) in a quiet, empty house, reading.  Sounds like bliss, right?  Then I thought…You must write!!  So, here I am.

A thought crossed my mind today…Am I being my true, authentic self?  The answer is, I don’t know.  I found an old blog of mine yesterday, and read through all of my posts.  What a simpler life I had.  Of course, it didn’t seem simple then.  I had two small children that kept me very busy.  Now, I sincerely miss those days.  I was home with the kids, not at a crappy job.  I was able to spend time just being with them, which lent itself to me just being.  Ah, the good ol’ days.

The past four years or so have been extremely tumultuous. I separated from my (now ex) husband.  Had to start working.  Went through the pure hell of a nasty divorce, with two sweet, innocent kids caught in the middle.  I must say, I am in a very happy, stable place now.  I got married three weeks ago (yay!) to an absolutely amazing man, whom I completely love and adore.  And even better than the love I feel for him, is how much he loves me and my precious babies (ok, they are not babies…but they always will be to me!).  But somewhere, in the midst of all of the change and chaos, I may have forgotten my true self.  Definitely, I have become (I am so very sad to say this…) jaded.  I am not my innocent, naive self anymore.  And I miss the old me.  I was pretty freakin’ awesome.  I feel somewhat like I am a shell, a mere reflection of who I was. Does time and turmoil always do that to a person?

On the other hand, I have grown.  I have proven myself strong and capable.  Tough.  And I am proud of how far I have come.

But I want to be a free-spirit again.  Thoughtful, pondering.  Amazed at this beautiful life.  Embracing it, and being in each moment.

Acknowledging is the first step, right?  My new path to being blissfully, truly me begins today.

It’s a New Dawn, It’s a New Day!

Good morning!  I really want to feel positive today.  Like REALLY.  There is no sense in moping and stressing about the fact that I have a really hectic, really un-fun day of work ahead of me.

I hate my job.  There, I said it.  I actually feel very guilty saying that…This job was a lifesaver for me.  While going through a divorce, this job gave this ex-stay-at-home-mom an income.  And it also gave me the flexibility to be able to pick my kids up from school, and be there for them when they needed me.  But despite those positives…this job is just not for me.  I’m good at it, yes.  But that doesn’t mean I need to do it forever, right? Am I crazy to want to feel fulfilled with my work?  I have a steady paycheck (not hefty by any means, but steady) and benefits.  But there has to be more…There has to be a way to make money and actually not DREAD the work that has to be done to earn it.

But, I digress.  This was supposed to be a positive post.  Uplifting myself, getting myself into the right frame of mind to go do what I must.  It’s going to be a great day!!! (I’m convincing myself).  Seriously, I have such a beautiful, blessed life.  I will remember to be grateful that I have a job, and I will count my blessings today.

Monday:  You better watch out, here I come!!  Here’s to a fantastic day!

Confession…

I have a confession.  The thing is, I may be the only one I am confessing to…But anyway, here it is:

This blog is my little secret.  I don’t plan on telling a single soul about it.  That may change someday, but for now- this is my little haven. Just for me.  My place to vent, journal, and get out all the junk that sits on my chest.  HA!  How freaking freeing!

I have no idea what I’m doing.  I’m not a “blogger”.  I’m just a girl- a girl who has shit to say.  Maybe not interesting shit, but shit none-the-less.  And it’s gonna feel really darn good to say it.

StopWhatYou’reDoingRightNow- my motivational slogan.  My encouragement to take the time to put into words the things I deserve to release.

Welcome to writing, self!