I’m Fine. Really.

Geesh.  The only time I get on here to write, all I do is complain.  How very sad.  Someday, looking back, I will think I only suffered.  There are happy times, I swear.  I guess the only times I NEED to write is when I need to vent.

Now is not a happy time.  I am so sad, tired, and emotionally drained.  Why, you ask?  Good fucking question.  Based on appearances, I should be fine.  Happy.  Fulfilled. But, I’m sad.  Lonely.  Overwhelmed. I want to escape.  Run away.  But I can’t.  Because I have to be here for my kids.  My beautiful, loving, fragile kids.  They are not fragile.  The older two have been through so much already.  But I feel as if they are.  I have to hold them, protect them like little glass ornaments.

I don’t know how to give any more.  I feel like my well is empty.  Everyone just takes and takes, and no one cares that they leave nothing left for me. I have nothing left for me.  I as write that, tears well up in my eyes.  If I don’t take care of me, who will?  The answer is no one.  NO ONE. And now the tears are streaming.  Everyone has their own life, their own agenda.  What makes me feel guilt as I write this is that they don’t mean it…They all want me to be okay. Maybe for selfish reasons…UGH. I hate that I even think that.

Defeated.  The world wins.  I am waving my white flag.  I will hold in my pain. Lord knows I can’t do that forever, eventually it erupts and I become a shouting mess.  But for now, I will bury it deep inside.  I will go about my life, taking care of everyone else.  Chasing a toddler, cleaning the house, tending to the dogs, cooking meals.  What else can I do???  No one wants to listen to me bitch.  And GOD FORBID, my voice raises when I get emotional.  I’ll be quiet.  Passive. Pretend that I’m okay, when I’m not.  I will give them what they want (peace) and what they need (a hot dinner).

Someday, this will all be clear to me.  Why I hurt so much when I  should be fine.  Someday, I will feel happy and fulfilled, and I can take a fucking bath if I want to.  Please, self, stop fucking crying.  Please, be okay. You need to be okay.  You have no choice but to be okay.  Step up to the plate, and do what you must.  Carry on, as if you were fine.

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