Birthday Bliss (or lack of)

What is it about birthdays that creates such introspection for me?  It feels almost tumultuous.  I crave a quiet, peaceful coming-into-the-new-year and it NEVER happens.  One thing or another creates turbulence, disarray or chaos.  It’s starting to feel like this is no coincidence.

Perhaps things need to be shaken up, cracked slightly, so I can emerge and begin anew.

Or, alternatively, maybe this friction is created because I put too much pressure on the day.  I hope desperately, year after year, for a perfect day.  One that is quiet, peaceful, and full of joy.  Perhaps that is impossible.  Perhaps what is needed is an open attitude, accepting of whatever comes my way.

I turned 36 this past weekend.  Parts of the day were stressful for me, and I ended up sad and disappointed as the day drew to a close.  I have realized now that I had unrealistic expectations.  I guess I expect that those around me will exude the kind of behavior that makes me feel appreciated, loved.  And I did feel loved.  But, even though it was my birthday, I still washed dishes all day.  I cleaned up messes, changed poopy diapers, and did pretty much what I do every day.  And I am so in tune with everyone’s feelings, and constantly trying to make sure everyone else is ok, that I feel down and stressed when my loved ones don’t exude a happy “vibe”.  I wanted everyone to feel good that day, be happy and content.  Probably selfishly. If they are happy, I am happy.  Ridiculous, because I cannot control others emotions, and letting something I can’t control affect me so deeply is an unwise thing to do.  But, alas…

But, another birthday and year have passed.  I have 362 days until I do the birthday thing again.

I am grateful, oh-so grateful for my life.  I adore my family.  I am in better health than I ever have been.  I am deeply in love with my partner.  And I feel connected to a source deeper than me.  I know that I have everything I need now, or ever will need, right inside of me.  And that, my friends, is priceless.

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Success

I just want to be successful.  Doing something creative, that I love.  On my terms.  That’s not too much to ask, is it?  Ha.

So, what does success mean to me?  It means having my work appreciated by others.  It means being compensated monetarily for that work.

I’m back, after a break.  Baby boy awoke from his nap, and while rocking him I scrolled through social media.  Two things jumped out at me, regarding passion:

“Did you know?  Only 30% of workers land their dream job.  Ask yourself: would you rather follow your #passion or end up a statistic?”  Spending my time working toward a goal that is not my own feels inauthentic, against my purpose.  I have this nagging voice that tells me I need to get my head out of the clouds, and be realistic.  Work at a job that gives me a paycheck, regardless of the level of fulfillment I gain.  And I have done that.  Bills have to be paid, after all.  But that feels like living a lie.

“And one day

she discovered

that she was fierce,

and strong

and full of fire,

and that not even

she could

hold herself back

because her passion

burned brighter

than her fears.”

Yes!!  So much YES!  That is the key, is it not?  Letting your passion burn brighter than your fears.  Only fear holds us back.  My fear of failure holds me back so often from trying something. Putting my self “out there” and being vulnerable is so challenging.

I am blown away by the synchronicity at play today.  I know the Universe is giving me support and the push I need to take steps and feel confident. To start the next chapter, exploring who I am meant to be.  I feel so much right now.  Potential.  I have it, I know I do.  I just need to figure out my steps, and freaking take them.  NO FEAR!

I am sending out so much love today!!

Inner Peace?

Happiness is a fickle thing, if we allow it to be.  There is a constant barrage of outside influences, some positive, many negative.  And these are things that are out of our control.  Why would we allow these things to affect our frame of mind?  Do we have a choice?  I know the answer is yes.  I KNOW this in my head, but my emotions aren’t sure.

Today, I made conscious choice to be happy.  To feel at peace and content in each moment, and to be present for these moments.  I was feeling pretty centered- strong and peaceful at my core.  There were challenges, for sure.  The baby didn’t nap this morning, and was a cranky ball of mess.  My plan for the day was slightly rattled, but I went with the flow.

We went for a walk, and I let Little Man play at the playground for a bit.  Then we headed home.  I was trying to just focus on the feeling of the breeze hitting my skin, and not feel the pull of worry that is constantly hiding in the shadows of my mind.

Then Hubby calls with news of an upcoming trip.  And my mood immediately goes south.  These things are totally out of my control.  I cannot do a thing about his schedule.  So why have I allowed my brain to go to places I don’t want it to be?  I have come up with questions, suspicions and doubt where there should be none.

Where is my peace now?  Why have I allowed it to escape, and why have I allowed outside influences to decide my mood?  GRR.  I just want peace.  And I know this is a journey for me, and I have not arrived at my destination.  But I want to fucking be there already.  Life lessons I suppose. Sigh.

Crying baby, must sign off.

Quiet Monday morning

Monday morning, and this day feels surreal.  The house is empty and quiet, quite the opposite of what the weekends are like.  The baby is napping (always is when I’m writing…), there are no dogs now to keep me company, kids are at school, and hubby is at work (does this sound exactly like my last post?).  This lends to a big, gaping silence.  The sun still hasn’t freaking shown itself, though the weather man tells me it will as soon as this fog burns off.  I just need a little boost.  Coffee it is!  Let me grab my mug.

There we go!  Caffeine, cleverly shrouded in a delicious, warm, creamy treat.

Anyway, what was I saying?

The house was empty earlier than usual today, save for Baby and me.  And it’ll be almost 11 hours before we are all reunited. It’s just a long day.  A little lonely I guess. I feel the pull of sadness…no, not sadness…down-ness..(haha, I’ll just make words up).  It would be easy to feel down today, to feel blah.  But I want to enjoy my little man.  Giggle with him. He’s so fun.  We will take a walk, hopefully the sun will emerge and grace me with its presence.

I think it’s easy to let the days just blend into one another…A big blur of bananas, breastfeeding, naps, and chasing a toddler.  The days are pretty much the same.  Dare I say…boring.  My brain craves more. To be challenged, just to be freakin’ used, so I can remember I have one.  And this is why I write.  I know someday there will be more to my life than counting the hours until I have a non-baby to talk to…I love talking to Little Man, but his responses leave a little to be desired.  Someday, I know I will miss these simple moments; simple, quiet days.  I do not miss rushing around, tasks and to-do lists ruling my life.  Right now, I have very little that requires immediate attention…save for a fearless toddler, that is.

I will do my best to cherish this time.  I know so well how fast it flies.  I am so blessed that I am able to be home with my littlest love.  Now I just have to figure out how to teach him to be more interesting company…hahaha.

Sad day.

My heart hurts.  I don’t remember the last time I felt this sad.  I miss my puppies so much.   Their absence is so pronounced right now.  This house is oh-so quiet.  And very lonely.  Hubby is at work.  Big kids are at school.  Baby is napping.  And the house is silent.  That NEVER happened.  I imagine that I will appreciate the silence someday, probably soon.  But for now, it just reminds me of what is missing.  Sweet, precious, loyal doggies.

I don’t want to go into detail, because I don’t want to relive this.  While writing, or by potentially reading it later.

I know that we did the right thing, for them.  But it is hard for us.  It will get easier, I know that.  Right now, the neighbor’s dog is barking, and it’s making me sad.  When I went upstairs to do yoga this morning, I didn’t have my little shadow.  My Charlie-boy who always stayed next to me when I did my poses, occasionally interrupting for a little pat.  I didn’t hear Godiva downstairs, barking for me, asking me to come back downstairs and keep her company (she couldn’t go up the stairs, and hated when I did and left her alone).

They were members of our family.  They will live on in our hearts and memories forever.  I hope they left the world knowing how much they were loved, because they were so very, very loved.

 

Saying goodbye to our dogs. :(

I made a very difficult phone call this morning. I knew it was going to be one of the most difficult calls I’ve had to make, so I forced myself to get it done.

I called the vet and made an appointment to euthanize our dogs. I’ve never had to make a decision like this, and it sucks.  Two lives are in my hands, and I made the call that will end them.  😦 😦 😦

This was not a decision made lightly.  At Godiva’s last vet appointment, our instructions were to “euthanize when ready”.  Reading that hit me like a ton of bricks. She has been in pain, and has struggled to move, for years. Terrible arthritis and joint degeneration has left her unable to stand up from the floor on her own for a long time. Lately, we can tell her condition has deteriorated.  She often hides, and has behaved strangely for a little while.  We know it is because she is in pain.  At our last vet visit, we decided to try a new nerve pain medication. At this point, she is on 3 different pain/anti-inflammatory meds, and it’s just not enough any more.  We don’t want to see her suffer, so we knew we had to make peace with the fact that she needed to be released from her suffering.

With Charlie, it is a little more gray.  We know he has liver problems.  All around, he is just not well.  He pants constantly.  His hunger is never satisfied, regardless of how much he’s eaten.  He cannot always control his bodily functions anymore.  Worst of all are his mental problems.  He is constantly stressed and worried.  He runs around the housing thinking one of us has gone missing, often when we are in plain view.

In my heart, I know it is time for them to go.  But it is going to be so hard to not have them around anymore.  I have had Charlie for almost 10 years, and Ruben has had Godiva for 12 1/2 years.  Godiva was truly like Ruben’s first child, and he has always treated her as such.  And he has embraced Charlie and Charlie’s crazy ways, and he has so much love for him. I worry about the kids and how they will adjust. I am thankful that we have the opportunity to come to terms with this emotionally before they are gone.  This is a part of life, and a part of pet ownership, but it sure as hell isn’t easy.

Creative Outlets

Good morning, and happy March!  The first day of a new month. An opportunity for a fresh start.  May it be an incredible one!

Writing.  Typing. Expressing.  Pouring your heart out.  Talking. Spewing. Yelling. Emoting.  Whatever it is for you, the feelings need to come out.  Bottling emotions up, whether they be happy, sad, or an array of every emotion imaginable, is not healthy.  As human beings we have a need to share what is going on inside of us.  Sometimes, expressing those feelings as words does not feel acceptable.  Sometimes, we need another outlet.  Creative outlets give us an opportunity to release the things trapped inside.  Poetry, music, painting.

To be continued…

Ok, I’m back.  Twenty four hours later, but here I am.  So, a funny coincidence occurred.  Just now, I was checking my email, which I hadn’t done for a couple of days.  Immediately, a subject line caught my eye:  “Create Yourself to a Better Life Through Art and Writing”.  A small excerpt, “People tell me all the time that they are not artistic or they can’t ‘write,’ and I immediately feel that they have shut down a valuable and unexpressed part of themselves.” This hit my inbox yesterday at 9:03 am.  Are you freaking kidding me?  When I started this blog yesterday, I had no idea what it was going to be about, I just let my fingers move.  And it ended up being about writing and creating!  I guess this is a theme that needs some attention in my life right now.  And it’s a nudge from The Universe letting me know that there are no accidents.  It’s a reminder that I am in the right place at the right time, and I am thankful for that sentiment.  It kind of feels like a warm hug.