What is it about birthdays that creates such introspection for me? It feels almost tumultuous. I crave a quiet, peaceful coming-into-the-new-year and it NEVER happens. One thing or another creates turbulence, disarray or chaos. It’s starting to feel like this is no coincidence.
Perhaps things need to be shaken up, cracked slightly, so I can emerge and begin anew.
Or, alternatively, maybe this friction is created because I put too much pressure on the day. I hope desperately, year after year, for a perfect day. One that is quiet, peaceful, and full of joy. Perhaps that is impossible. Perhaps what is needed is an open attitude, accepting of whatever comes my way.
I turned 36 this past weekend. Parts of the day were stressful for me, and I ended up sad and disappointed as the day drew to a close. I have realized now that I had unrealistic expectations. I guess I expect that those around me will exude the kind of behavior that makes me feel appreciated, loved. And I did feel loved. But, even though it was my birthday, I still washed dishes all day. I cleaned up messes, changed poopy diapers, and did pretty much what I do every day. And I am so in tune with everyone’s feelings, and constantly trying to make sure everyone else is ok, that I feel down and stressed when my loved ones don’t exude a happy “vibe”. I wanted everyone to feel good that day, be happy and content. Probably selfishly. If they are happy, I am happy. Ridiculous, because I cannot control others emotions, and letting something I can’t control affect me so deeply is an unwise thing to do. But, alas…
But, another birthday and year have passed. I have 362 days until I do the birthday thing again.
I am grateful, oh-so grateful for my life. I adore my family. I am in better health than I ever have been. I am deeply in love with my partner. And I feel connected to a source deeper than me. I know that I have everything I need now, or ever will need, right inside of me. And that, my friends, is priceless.